Two true statements:
“Growing Together is a requirement for successful relationships.”
“It all starts with me.”
How do we know when we are being too self focused or too much about our own needs and desires vs. abandoning ourselves under the guise of the better interests of our relationships?
It can be confusing to know if we are being self focused in our approach to our needs within a relationship, yet it can also be easy to abandon our needs for what we think is the betterment of a relationship. What does it mean to take care of ourselves first without being selfish? What does it mean to show up for ourselves and not abandon ourselves or the relationship?
Relationships can be a great catalyst for growth and fostering of intimacy, if both parties have the willingness, courage and vulnerability it takes to trust the process of opening to the truth. If we take the risks to take the steps we don’t want to take, the steps that are preceded by voices inside us that give us pause, we have the chance of experiencing real closeness and intimacy. If we reserve our voice, things will remain status quo, safe, so we tell ourselves — safe and familiar, the other person will be there, the boat will not be rocked, no one will change, and everything will remain the same.
There is comfort in this, yet it can be the path to misery and codependency patterns. Breaking patterns and creating new ones is often painful, yet is necessary to foster intimacy. Without intimacy and connection, things can become stagnant, we can feel small or alone, and separated from self and other, longing for connection and the love we desire.
By first looking inward at the truth of how we are feeling, and showing up for ourselves with our own still presence, as a witness, we can become clear about the truth inside us, partner with ourselves, cultivating confidence and courage to speak truth, and also the capacity to listen to our partner’s experience and truth from a place of presence. This can be scary, because what if it creates conflict? What if they reject me? What if….a million other things? Yes, and those questions will continue to come, until the risk to do it differently is taken and the pattern is broken. If we honestly show up for ourselves, we’ve partnered with ourselves first, our needs are then revealed and cared for from within, creating possible insight and change for us, and subsequently space to show up for our partner. Having someone to witness our struggle to grow is comforting. They don’t do it for us, we must do it ourselves, but we are not alone with a partner. And our partner can help us shine a light on what we need and what they need. This process is caring for ourselves within while simultaneously caring for our partner. It means growth and evolution, and clearing the way for something that is more resonant to happen, for intimacy to happen.
When we protect ourselves from our feelings or protect our partner from feelings (ours or theirs), we are actually stepping away from the opportunity that true partnership offers — the opportunity to see what needs attention within, witness it, and allow transformation or evolution to occur. We have the chance to witness true change in ourselves as well as in the one we love… right in front of our own eyes. This is true intimacy. It brings us closer to our own truth, and in the process, brings us together in our courage, curiosity, and vulnerability.
Relationships bring to light so many parts inside us that might remain in the dark and otherwise hidden. Being truly present in a partnership is an invitation to true intimacy and growth, to truly moving through the hard stuff, to take the risks in the presence of the other, to say and do the hard things in the presence of the other, that we feel tentative to do — to risk letting the other see and hear what is inside us that we fear they might not like. We risk opening. We trust the relationship in hopes that the very thing that scares us (revealing what we are afraid to reveal) will actually preserve and foster that which we fear might go wrong or be damaged. It’s a rock and a hard place type of feeling. It’s this David Whyte poem:
START CLOSE IN
Start close in,
don’t take
the second step
or the third,
start with the first
thing
close in,
the step
you don’t want to take.
Start with
the ground
you know,
the pale ground
beneath your feet,
your own
way to begin
the conversation.
Start with your own
question,
give up on other
people’s questions,
don’t let them
smother something
simple.
To hear
another’s voice,
follow
your own voice,
wait until
that voice
becomes an
intimate
private ear
that can
really listen
to another.
Start right now
take a small step
you can call your own
don’t follow
someone else’s
heroics, be humble
and focused,
start close in,
don’t mistake
that other
for your own.
Start close in,
don’t take
the second step
or the third,
start with the first
thing
close in,
the step
you don’t want to take.
David Whyte : Essentials
Many Rivers Press © David Whyte
This is what it means to start inside, to start “with me,” in an unselfish un-self-focused way. This is how showing up for yourself first, is actually also showing up for your partner. Intimacy means being courageous enough to be vulnerable, to see yourself as you are, and to open to your partner as they are. It is not always easy, but it is worth it.
